Board Thread:Creation Box/@comment-27742904-20160626033900/@comment-3058106-20160626183934

Hey, sorry! You have to always wait on the admin who first commented to reply to the thread. Basically I'm the one in charge of approving your character, so you'll have to wait for whenever I'm online and able to do that. Just know to always wait and have patience for admins to be online and discuss your character with you. Anyway, I'm going to go over a few things with you and your character creation. We'll start with the personality.

Your personality section is a bit cluttered and has a few grammar mistakes. For example, the first sentence isn't actually a sentence. I'd suggest writing "Amanda is a nice person who cares about others and makes sure they are safe even if it means danger." Now it's a complete sentence. Also make sure to know the difference between they're, there, and their. We all make mistakes sometimes though and accidentally use the wrong one. Your second sentence should be two sentences because leaving it as it is, it's a run-on sentence. It should be "She feels awkwardness around other people. For example, when a random person talks to her, she talks quietly." There's a few other run-on sentences in the personality section, so make sure to read over that and fix any other mistakes. Also the section where you talk about her being a calm person can be very confusing. It's a bunch of run-on sentences that make very little sense and can be hard to read. Try and rewrite that to make it easier to read.

Another thing is that a person's personality really doesn't have anything to do with hobbies or goals in the future. You should remove the parts about reading books at the library or wanting to be a teacher or being a singer. None of those are parts of her personality. The personality section should be who she is and how she acts. Try and add more character traits to that. Also, no one is always a happy, calm or shy person. Try and add some negative character traits too to make her a well-rounded character. You have to make her realistic, so you definitely need to add more negatives. Here is a masterlist of postive character traits and here is one for negatives. Try and make sure the positives and negatives are about equal. So let's say you have five postive traits, then you need to have five negatives. For examples on character personalities, you can check out Carmen Arroyo, Mina Vaswani, and Miki Sato for some excellent examples of what we're looking for!

Now let's move on to the history section. There's a lot that needs to be fixed there too.

First of all, try and keep everything in chronological order. The history section is all over the place with timeskipping and backtracking and it's really confusing to read. Try and keep things in order of when it happened. For example, she was born in Miduna Beach. Write about her time in Miduna Beach and how it was when she lived there. Write about her life in that time period. Once you get to the point when her father gets a promotion, then you start writing about her life in Barfield. Keep everything in order of when it happened and don't write all over the place and get out of order.

Now, let's talk about history and how to expand everything. Amanda was born and raised in Miduna Beach. Write about her early years there and what she remembers about her mother, if there's anything she remembers at all. Does she remember her mom taking her to the park? Does she remember a birthday party that her mom threw for her? Does she remember how her mom would tuck her into bed? Maybe read her a bed-time story or something? It could be anything at all. Doesn't have to be whatever I just suggested. Write about her relationship with her mother and then maybe write about how she felt after the death of her mom. Was Amanda only a child when she died? Did she understand what death meant? Did she realize that her mom was dead? Or was Amanda older and able to understand everything that was happening? It's up to you. After that, you should write about what it was like when her father remarried. Never once do you mention Amanda's step-mother, so possibly write about Amanda's relationship with her. Does her step-mom hate her? Does she love her? Are they actually very close to one another? Think about it, and write it. Next write about her relationship with her step-sisters. Why do they hate her so much? Why are they so rude to her? Are they older or younger than her? Are they about the same age as her? Also, what about her aunt? What does her aunt have to do with the story? Think about it.

Now that we've gone over relationships, let's think about her friendships. You mention a bit about her friends and how they all left her. Did they leave because of college? Did they simply move away? Write about it. Write about how Amanda felt after they left. Also, write more about that friend Amanda was friends with and they had lockets together. Think about how Amanda felt when they exchanged them. Did she feel accepted? Loved? Cared for? How did she feel when this friend left? Was she upset? Did she feel heartbroken?

Alright, let's not talk about the bookworm and true love stuff. That's very confusing. No one says things like that, especially things like 'no one will like you because you read too much.' That's not a thing. Try and keep things realistic by understand that just because she's a bookworm, it doesn't mean people won't like her. Also I'm not sure why an eighteen year old girl is searching for true love. I'm nineteen and the only thing I'm searching for is money. This is the 2010s, so I think Amanda is probably thinking more about college and her education than she is about getting married at such a young age. Most people aren't going to be finding their true love at such a young age either. What you could say instead is that she's really dependent on others and is always wanting to be in a relationship. Maybe she dates people a lot and is never without a relationship. Maybe she's definitely looking for her future true love, but she's doing this by dating lots of people. It's also probably not the only thing on her mind. Maybe she's also thinking about her job or her college education or what she wants to do with her future. Write about that.

Finally, read over everything you write. There are lots of grammar errors in the history section that need to be fixed. To see what we expect and want to see from character bios, check out Violet Yao, Zahi Riad-Babineaux, and Sara Ellison. They are all great examples of what we want to see. Please, please make sure to read them so you can see how we want the chronological order and relationships of characters. Also know that your character always has a history, even if it's not much important. Just make sure to read the example characters I posted so you can get an idea of what to write.

Good luck! Make sure to message again and I'll read over your app again. I have work tonight and won't be back around until 10 PM EST, so don't expect me to be immediately online to read over your updated application.