Board Thread:Creation Box/@comment-25784487-20150113021520/@comment-3058106-20150201005942

So, the first prompt is fine, but I still feel like you could do so much more with the second. I know what's happening and I understand that it's crowded and she's getting bumped into, but I want to know more on her thoughts. I want to be able to see how you plan on roleplaying her and making sure she stays in character. So, based on the same prompt, I wrote a para sample for a Tumblr RP about three years ago and I'll just show you it as an example.

The hallways were completely crowded as students rushed to their classes, stopped in the middle of the way to talk to each other, or crowded around a certain spot to gossip and talk about whatever was currently going on in the school. Rachel could feel herself getting completely annoyed with the people in this school as she walked through the hall. People would constantly bump into her and she would grumble as they rushed past her without even saying sorry or excuse me. Then again, they probably didn’t even realize they were bumping into others since, in Rachel’s mind, they were all idiots who couldn’t comprehend how to not be idiots. If it wasn’t for how accustomed to this Rachel had become, she would probably be yelling at people to watch it and say excuse me. Then again, maybe it was a good thing she was used to this. She knew she had to control her emotions and yelling at people all the time would definitely make her lose it completely. Sighing, she continued walking down the hallway.

The final straw came however when someone bumped into the dark haired girl and the book she was holding fell out of her hands and slid across the hallway - exactly where she had just come from. “Fantastic,” she said in annoyance as she realized where her book ended up. She stood up and started walking down the hallway, this time being the one to bump into people without a care. Her eyes landed on where her book was and she decided try and get the book. “Excuse me,” Rachel grumbled as she slid past somebody. As she reached her book, she used her abilities to bring it back in her hands. She started thinking about how she could have just stayed in the same place and brought the book back to her, but Rachel knew that she was pissed with the people always running into her in the halls and decided to just do things the old fashioned way.

Rachel started making her way down the hall once again, this time deciding to not deal with people who ran into her. Luckily, most people seemed to be clearing the halls to get to classes or get out of the building since they had a free period. Rachel was one of those with a free period at the moment and she was going to use her time in the library unlike most others, which was perfectly fine with her. It was always nice and peaceful there and she didn’t have to worry about the sounds of obnoxious teenagers ruining her peace and serenity.

I suggest just trying to really get into the character of Becky and writing. Obviously, it doesn't have to nearly be this long, but try and get into her thoughts and actions. Show me what's happening in the crowded halls.